I’m going to be honest. Panic attacks, anxiety, and spiraling thoughts are never something that is enjoyable. Yet as a pastor or a Christian, I’m supposed to be invincible right? If not invincible then there is a temptation to present everything as tying together really nicely. Everything has to be covered in sprinkles, even suffering.

I remember the first time I experienced one of my pets dying. There was nothing good about it. Something that I loved had been taken away from me. My parents didn’t try to explain that dogs go to heaven, instead, they just let me sit in the pain of grieving a loss. For those of us who experience anxiety disorders and panic attacks, we experience loss. Maybe for you, it’s the loss of things that used to be so easy for you to do. Like choosing what to eat, or where to drive to, or what you watch on T.V. With anxiety even the simplest decisions become crippling. As a Christian, there is the hope that all suffering has a point and will never be wasted, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be honest about the pain of how hard life can become in light of this new limitation. One of my friends, well not my friend, but a pastor/teacher that I wish my friend, said once that “God’s will is found in your limitations, not just your potential.” I had lived my whole life believing that God’s will was found in my potential, all the dreams I was meant to dream, and all the big things I was going to accomplish for God. Yet the reality has been that God’s will has been more like me submitting to limitations in my life and family, rather than me embarking on a new and exciting adventure. Yet, if I am able to see beyond the, at best, inconvenience, and at worst, paralyzing, effects of anxiety, I find that statement to be true. C.S. Lewis says that “God shouts to us in our pain. It’s His megaphone to rouse a sleeping world.” I don’t like that. Yet I like what it is accomplishing in my life. I don’t like the way He is doing it, but I like the person I am becoming through it.

Did you ever get a gift for Christmas that was hidden in a multi-set of boxes? The gift would be something small, but there would be boxes within boxes to make it seem like the present was big. Then you would open one box, find another box, and so on until you actually got to the present(most of the time for me it was a video game). Anxiety is like this for me. It has taken me many attempts at unwrapping box after box to finally discover the gift that can be found in the midst of anxiety. Not a gift I asked for, but something that has changed me as a person. Some days are great, some days are difficult.

I want to share openly and honestly some practices and techniques that have been vital for me as I’ve walked down this road.

Intruding Thoughts

These came first. I would have a sensation in my body and I would have all of these intruding and scary thoughts. These thoughts continued to wreak havoc on my mental and emotional state. I would constantly reach out for affirmation from my family, friends, and therapist. I wanted to know that I was okay. My intruding thoughts became so bad that I thought I was losing my mind. All of this was taking place as we had successfully planted and were pastoring a bi-lingual church plant in Taipei. Everything in my life looked great, I had “made it” right?! Just know everyone is fighting a battle, no matter how “together” they look on the outside. I was reeling and I began to look for help in any place I could find it. I reached out to a pastor I knew, Chad Norris, who had mentioned in a book he had written that he had experienced a similar nervous breakdown. He told me to check out a program called Attacking Anxiety and Depression by Lucinda Basset. You can check it out here. This isn’t Christian-based therapy, but it was a lifeline for me to give me tools to tackle these intruding thoughts. I had and still have intruding thoughts about my health, self-harm, family issues, etc.

Here are some things that helped me:

1. I began to write down every scary and intruding thought. Just writing them down allowed them to get out of my head. If you could see my journal entries you would be shocked. Some day if we ever grab a coffee I’ll show you.

2. I began to associate scary thoughts with something funny. Like me dressing up in a gorilla suit and running down the street(maybe not funny to you, but hilarious to me).

3. I set a timer on my phone every hour and reminded myself that I didn’t have to think about those scary thoughts. That stopped the dangerous spiraling thoughts that I would chase.

4. I practiced mindfulness(more on this later) and began to focus on what my hands were doing, the colors I was seeing, and things in the present moment.

5. I reminded myself that “I am not my thoughts” and I can let them pass by without judging myself for them.

MINDFULNESS

I was in the ER twice in one week, had been previously on several occasions, was sleeping about as well as a colicky newborn baby, and was on Xanax. I am not a doctor and can in no way offer any medical advice, I am simply telling you my story. I would feel like a zombie, was in the fetal position on my couch, and could not function like a normal human being. I couldn’t hear the Gospel, remember the Gospel, pray, or read the Bible. When I say “can’t” I mean I couldn’t. It would produce so much anxiety that I thought my head was going to explode from all the pressure. Through the providence of God(really His hand), I was introduced to a General Practioner who had also become a homeopathic doctor who specialized in chronic stress and anxiety management. What I disliked about him the most was that he seemed to think that what I was experiencing was no big deal. I would tell him all of these bodily sensations I was feeling and he would say in his South African accent(which is really cool), “What else?” What else? What do you mean what else?! Doesn’t this feeling mean I’m going to have a heart attack or I have cancer? “What else Collin?” This guy literally lived near Kruger National Park with giraffes coming into his garden to eat his vegetables. He then recommended me the book Mindfulness by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. He actually did work with Mark Williams at Oxford. It is a whole journey in the practice of mindfulness. I was super skeptical about the whole thing. Living in Taiwan I was familiar with the Buddhist practice of mindfulness where you tried to empty your mind and detach from suffering. While the authors aren’t overtly Christian(one claims to be an Anglican priest), the book itself has some great scientific and helpful practices for reducing stress and dealing with anxiety. I would have to say that initially, this was a game-changer for me, and it is still a regular habit of mine. There were some tweaks I made to the program and I invited the Holy Spirit to lead me during my times of relaxation, but overall it was a practice that allowed my body and mind to rest. I was able to get off Xanax and my sleep eventually returned. Those crazy bodily sensations(chest pain, numbness in your limbs, brain fog, twitches, etc) all began to subside after doing these practices for a few weeks. I researched the crap out of this topic so if you have any specific questions about mindfulness or its compatibility with Christianity and the Scriptures feel free to reach out.

DOUBT AND UNBELIEF

If having anxiety isn’t enough, how about getting wrecked with doubt and unbelief at the same time? I had never experienced a crisis of faith but was now experiencing one. The world that I used to live in, the world where I can be anything I want, accomplish anything I want(all for God of course), was now crashing in on me. Every aspect of faith became difficult. As I mentioned above, when I prayed it hurt, when I read the Bible it was anxiety-inducing, and I began to doubt everything. I have written extensively on doubt and unbelief on this blog, so go check out my other posts on the subject. I will say that my journey(and continuing journey) through doubt and unbelief involved a lot of headwork. and heart work. There are different forms of doubt(read more here), and varying degrees, and doubt, like anxiety, can be a tool that God uses to make our faith stronger. Os Guiness calls doubt the “ants in our pants of faith”. But it can be hard. I remember there were days when all I could say was “Jesus I choose you.” I couldn’t do anything else, but I was going to exercise my willpower and just say that I chose Him. Joni Erickson Tada would describe this as true faith, at a time when I felt like I had none at all.

SILENCE AND SOLITUDE

I am no monk. I am an extrovert at heart(just ask my poor introvert wife), but I have found that silence and solitude have been vital for me. We live in a world of chatter, my mind is full of chatter, and so I need a space where I can just sit and be with God. Away from performing for anyone, away from trying to meet the needs of anyone, and have a space to just be with God. Some people call this contemplative prayer. This is a tradition that is rooted in the Scriptures and has been a part of our Christian heritage since the birth of the church. Books that are helpful on this topic:

1. Praying Like Monks Living Like Fools

2. Being With God

3. The Contemplative Pastor

4. Lectio Divina 365 App

5. New Spiritual Disciplines(read here)

The point is that we all need margin in our lives where we aren’t being distracted. We need a space to be with God and allow the Holy Spirit to bring things to our hearts and minds that still need to be transformed by the love and grace of Jesus.

SPIRITUAL DIRECTION AND COUNSELING

We all need help. If we can’t admit that, then we really haven’t discovered who we really are or haven’t experienced the brokenness of this world. I regularly see a Christian counselor who provides me the space to share openly and honestly about all the junk I mentioned above. The sessions are kind of like eating, sometimes they are as good as a steak, but sometimes they are like eating oatmeal, both do the job. I also got a spiritual director. Someone who could see for me what I couldn’t see and help me move toward God and toward myself in a more compassionate and hopeful way. There wasn’t fire from heaven or angelic voices that were given through these times, but there was the “still small voice” from the Father who spoke truth into my heart that was eating a heavy dose of deception. If you are looking for a good spiritual direction consider this network. I plan on making another post all about my experience with spiritual direction.

I wish I could sit down with you and share how anxiety has really revealed my attachments, how God has used anxiety to make me a more empathetic person, how anxiety uncovered my shallowness of faith, and how now I am much less likely to be a person who grabs at power, selfish ambition, and ego, but I’m not sure we will ever get that chance. I hope that this little window into my own journey could help shed light on your own and give you hope and the assurance that, “we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” Jesus is faithful, He is holding onto us when we can’t even hold onto ourselves.

SHARE YOUR STORY BELOW. How have you walked through anxiety, OCD, depression, or unbelief?